JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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