he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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