I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
