You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
