I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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