I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
