I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
