Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
