Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
