Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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