Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
