my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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