And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
