My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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