I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
