WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
