just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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