Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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