Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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