I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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