Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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