i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
