I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
