also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
