I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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