FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
