I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
