Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
