Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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