he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
