I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
