worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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