he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
