life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I just found a bag of teeth...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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