Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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