Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
