I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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