Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
