why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
