So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I have post one night stand depression
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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