I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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