You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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