wat bout pragnant strippers??
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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