I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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