so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
