its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Never underestimate the power of titties
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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