If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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