omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
