Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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