would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
